Meaningful Conversation
by MinervaEvenstar
Summary: Sirius is upset that James has been spending so much time with Lily. Luckily, his werewolf lover is there to cheer him up. A dialogue fic filled with too many innuendoes and mentions of cross-dressing to be healthy. SiriusRemus slash.


**Summary:** Sirius is upset that James has been spending so much time with Lily. Luckily, his werewolf lover is there to cheer him up. A dialogue fic filled with too many innuendoes and mentions of cross-dressing to be healthy. SiriusRemus slash.

**Rating:** Teen

**Genres:** comedy, romance

**Words:** 1,545

**Disclaimer:** Alas, the pups are not mine. They are J. K. Rowling's.

Meaningful Conversation

"Why so glum? Did we run out of intoxicating substances again?"

"Prongs is off with HER again."

"Lily. She has a name, Sirius. And why is that a problem? She makes him happy."

"I know. It's just that she's so…"

"Nice? Pretty? Clever?"

"You aren't helping!"

"Okay, I'm sorry. She's so what?"

"…Uptight."

"Uptight?"

"Yeah, she always follows the rules and gets angry when other people don't do the same. She's got a broomstick up her arse."

"I follow the rules too, Sirius."

"Yeah, but you've got _my_ broomstick up your arse, so it's okay."

"…"

"What? Why are you annoyed? I haven't switched ANY of the professors' shampoos with hair dye this week, I swear!"

"I thought you wanted to have a serious conversation-"

"All of my conversations are-"

"Do _not _finish that sentence, Padfoot."

"Okay, okay! Merlin, don't get your lacy knickers in a bunch."

"How did you know that I was wearing…Never mind!"

"_What?"_

"I said never mind, all right? Forget it."

"No way! Are you really wearing lacy-"

"_Ahem._ As I was saying, I thought you wanted to have a serious conversation about James and Lily's newfound relationship, but clearly you just want to make lewd sexual remarks."

"So? Lewd sexual remarks are fun!"

"Fun for whom?"

"They _could_ be fun for you if you'd make some innuendoes too."

"I'm not interested in adopting your juvenile behaviour."

"Well, we can always talk about clothes instead. Tell me, Mr. Prefect, what sort of undergarments are you wearing today?"

"Right, lewd innuendoes it is! Shall we try it with chess pieces?"

"Excellent idea, Moony! Though I still wouldn't mind talking about-"

"_Ahem._ I kind-of like bishops. With the way that I play, they're easy for me to take."

"Really? I don't really like easy; I prefer a challenge. I also don't like those knights that are always trying to jump me."

"The piece that I dislike is the rook. His moves are too straight for my tastes."

"Too true, Moony. And the king?! Ugh, _puh-lease_! He's just big and dumb, which is why he needs all of that protection around him."

"Yeah, always erect and helpless. You know what else bothers me, Sirius?"

"When I roll over in my sleep and take all of the blankets with me?"

"Well, yes, but I was going to say pawns because they make their advances so slowly."

"Agreed, Mr. Moony. I definitely think that queens are the best pieces."

"Quite right, Mr. Padfoot. After all, they aren't afraid to move all kinds of ways."

"They're much more useful than the king."

"Without a doubt. I need to get myself a queen. Any suggestions about where I might find one?"

"Right here! Ta-da!"

"…"

"Hey, I can tell that you're trying not to laugh! What's so funny?"

"I'm sorry, Sirius, but I can't take you seriously when you're posing like that."

"If you don't take me Sirius-ly then what – Ow! What'd you do that for?"

"I warned you about making puns with your name. It isn't my fault that you chose not to listen."

"Whatever. Forget puns and forget chess. Can we play Hide the Sausage instead?"

"Not if you're going to call it that."

"Please? I wanna find out if I can live on sex alone."

"If you don't eat, then you won't have enough energy TO have sex."

"What about those creatures that get their energy from sexual activity? The, ah…the incubus! Yeah! We'll be the incubus and the werewolf."

"Uh-huh. I'm going to bed."

"Really? Great!'

" To sleep, you randy dog."

"But I thought you wanted to cheer me up."

"Making innuendoes about chess pieces didn't cheer you up?"

"No, but it did make 'little Sirius' go up."

"Really, Padfoot? For Honeydukes' sake, I bet even McGonagall could excite you."

"Actually, now that you mention it…"

"Do you really want to elabourate on that?"

"Um, no, I don't think I do."

"Good because I don't think I want to hear it."

"But, just so you know, it was only one time, and I'm pretty sure it had to do with something that Prongs slipped into my pumpkin juice that morning."

"Ah."

"So you're really going to bed? Without me?"

"You're welcome to come, of course."

"I do love coming."

"That is _not_ what I meant. You can accompany me only if you're going to sleep."

"I will sleep…after we shag."

"There will be no shagging."

"You're such a bloody tease, Moony!"

"How am I tease? All I did was make suggestive remarks about chess pieces."

"You can't tell me that you're wearing lacy knickers and then refuse to let me see you in them. That's just wrong."

"I-I...I never said that I was wearing them!"

"But you are, aren't you?"

"Of course not!"

"Then why is your face all red?"

"Because I'm…not feeling well."

"My darling werewolf is ill? Well, come here and let Healer Black help you to feel better."

"A Hospital Wing role play is not going to help me feel better. Rest will. So stop looking at me like that and let me go to bed."

"Of course I'll let you go to bed. I'll even escort you there."

"All right as long you promise not to– Sirius, don't touch me there!"

"We both know you like it."

"Not right now, I don't. I'm not dealing with this right now. If you aren't going to behave yourself, then get lost."

"That's a bit harsh, don't you think?"

"It's not too harsh when your actions are being governed by pheromones and you can't keep your paws to yourself."

"Hey, Remus?"

"What?"

"You know that time just before I ran away when my dear, sweet cousin, Bella, tried to get me to use the Cruciatus Curse on Muggles with her?"

"…"

"Remus?"

"Sorry; I was a little shocked by the subject change. But, yes, I do know. Would you like to talk about it?"

"I'd like a hug."

"Of course."

"Thanks, Moony."

"My pleasure, Pads."

"You know what else I'd like?"

"What's that?"

"To have hot, sweaty sex with you."

"Grasping Grindylows, you are such a _git_! You had me all concerned about you when you all you cared about was getting into my pants."

"Pretty skilled, huh?"

"One of these days, the games that you play are going to come back around and bite you on the arse, and I hope that I'm there to see it."

"As kinky as that sounds, I'd rather that _you_ be the one biting my arse and the games be the voyeurs."

"I'm leaving."

"Wait!"

"Let me go!"

"Hang on for just a secon-"

"Sirius Black, if you do not let go of me _right now,_ I swear I'm going to tie you to your bed and set it on fire."

"Whoa, okay…Bondage? Cool. Being burned alive? Not so much."

"Then you'd better release me, hadn't you?"

"All right, will just answer me one question? If you do, I'll leave you alone til tomorrow."

"Do you promise?"

"I swear on my Miggs the Mad, Mad Muggle comic collection."

"Agreed. What's your question?"

"Why don't you want me to see you in the knickers?"

"…I don't like that question."

"I didn't say you were going to like it, but if you don't answer it, then you'll be going back on your word."

"Fine. I don't want you to see me in them because I haven't even seen myself in them yet. I was…I was too embarrassed to look in the mirror."

"Aw, Moony, I'm sure you look sexy."

"Right."

"It's true. Of course, I always think you look sexy."

"Well, that's because you've taken one too many Bludgers to the head when you and James play Quidditch by yourselves with all of the balls during the summer."

"No, it's because I'm in love with you."

"That's sweet, Sirius. I love you, too. But I'm still annoyed with you."

"You aren't leaving, though."

"No, I'm not."

"Good."

"…"

"Moony, if I behave myself, will you eventually let me see you in the lingerie?"

"Probably. If I don't throw it away first. I can't believe that I let Lily talk me into getting it in the first place."

"Hold the hippogriff: _Lily?_ As in, Lily Evans? As in, Prongs' straight-laced girlfriend? _That _Lily went lingerie shopping with you, _and_ convinced you to buy some for yourself?"

"Not just for me. It was technically for you too since she figured I'd wear it around you and we could find some creative uses for it."

"…"

"Close your mouth, Sirius."

"Mind…can't…process…"

"Not as uptight as you thought, is she?"

"Remus, I love her."

"Pardon?"

"She'll make the best sister-in-law ever. James_ has_ to marry her. I won't accept anything else."

"Don't you think that's up to James and Lily?"

"Pfft, of course not. Where've you been?"

"In lingerie stores."

"Touché."

"Come on, Sirius."

"Where are we going?"

"I wouldn't have sex with you before because I thought it was more important for you to deal with your feelings about James having a steady girlfriend. Now that you've come to terms with it- Ouch!"

"Try to keep up, Moony!"

"You don't have to pull my arm so hard. "

"Sure, I do. The bedroom and the lacy knickers await!"


End file.
